The SINGLE thing to do to know what you really want

The SINGLE thing to do to know what you really want

One of the most frequent issues I see in my clients is that they don’t know what they really want. 

They know they want something but they just can’t seem to put their finger on exactly what that something is

This inevitably causes them to not make any moves toward achieving what they want because, let’s face it, you can’t really reach a destination if you don’t know where the heck that destination is.

Yes, of course you could still be in for one heck of an adventure if you set out on some glorious Sunday morning just wanting to go for a drive. 

But it’s not like you’re going to surprise yourself and end up in New York. Or Bali, for that matter (um, you can’t get there by car. lol). 

What’s the single most effective way to know what it is you really want? 

It’s going to sound kind of crazy. And it takes a lot of guts to look at. 

But it’s something I do myself regularly. 

It’s your inevitable death. 


I recently ran across one of the most profound quotes I’d ever read. It knocked my socks completely off (okay, I wasn’t wearing socks).


“Definition Of Hell: On your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.”

– Unknown


I actually did my dissertation on the fear of death.


I looked at whether fear of death was related to how optimistic someone was (it is). Basically, the more optimistic you are, the less you fear death.


But what’s really interesting is something called self-discrepancy theory.


Self-discrepancy theory states that we have an actual self (the self we are right now) and an ideal self (the self we really want to be).


And the amount of terror that the thought of dying brings up in us is directly related to the difference between the two.


If there’s a huge difference between who you are today and who you want to become, you’re going to be terrified of dying. Why? Because dying is the ultimate period at the end of the sentence. It ends the story. So, there’s no more opportunity for you to work toward being that ideal self.


The difference between your ideal self and your actual self = how much you fear death. 


One of the great regrets of the dying is:

They wished they had lived a life that was more true to themselves rather than the life that someone expected of them. 


When you life a life that’s motivated by your deepest desires, rather than what you feel you should be doing, you move very rapidly toward your ideal self.


Because instead of filling your life with other people’s opinions on what you should do, you start to fill your life with what actually makes you happy.

I consider should to be a dirty word by the way because it almost always reveals what we’ve been told to do rather than what we really want to do. Start paying attention to this word, even for a few days, and you’ll begin to see what I mean.


Some really cool things about your desires and your ideal self: 


1. Your ideal self and my ideal self are not the same.

Who you want to be is not who I want to be. Neither of our ideals are the same. Perhaps on the surface many of these ideals may look the same. We all want love, more money, success, freedom. But what exactly do we want those things for? Perhaps you have the dream of buying a villa in Greece and I have the dream of being one of the first people on Mars. Neither one of those things are better than the other. They just are.


2. There’s no competition for becoming our unique self

If we’re all aiming for different end games, that means that there’s really no competition. You can’t take away my dream of being an opera singer by becoming the best permaculture gardener this side of the Rockies. We’re all free to pursue our own ideal selves, our own deepest desires, and we don’t have to fear that there’s not enough to go around because we’re all uniquely different. 

A belief that becoming your ideal self somehow takes away from the opportunity for other people to become their unique self is a lack mindset. A lack mindset is the idea that everything in life is a win/lose situation. You win, I lose. And vice versa. But that’s a complete lie. When you understand that there’s no competition to be your ideal self you see that there’s always enough for everyone to win. Everyone can be their ideal selves. There’s enough for everyone!!


3. Your ideal self is made up of the deepest desires and is completely unique to you.

Your ideal self is basically a list of all of the beautiful, wondrous, and magical things that you wish to accomplish and experience in this lifetime. Perhaps it’s meditating in a cave for a year. Or sailing around the world. Or meeting Barak Obama. Or speaking 15 languages. Or learning how to hold your breath for a really long time. Or swimming with sharks. Or marrying a man who writes poetry. Or writing a best seller. Or singing on stage. Or learning to tap dance. Or laughing so hard you pee your pants as often as possible.

The possibilities are endless. And they’re 100% unique to you. Because you’re a special snowflake darling. And no one can keep you from these marvelous experiences once you identify them.

Seriously, I have a list that’s about 15 years old now where I have listed multiple things I’ve experienced in the last few years. Including living in a log cabin in the Rockies, moving to Hawaii, learning to surf, and traveling in SE Asia. I would never have been able to accomplish all of these things if I hadn’t had the guts at one point to sit down and say “hmm, what would I want to accomplish before I die?”


What Do You Want To Do Before You Die

Now let’s dig into that single thing that will reveal what your deepest desires are:

If you were to find out you’re going to die in a year, what would be on your “must-do” list.


I know, it can be terrifying to confront the thought of dying. But let’s be honest here – it happens to every single person. No matter what we all die. So the question becomes:

 “Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

– Mary Oliver


Sit down with a great big piece of paper and let your mind go wild. If you were to die in a year, what would be your “must have” experiences? What would you be pouring your love and attention toward?

Now, after you’ve completed that exercise, back off from this drama of “oh shit, I’m going to die soon!” because most of us aren’t knocking on deaths door quite so fast. And contemplate, based on that list, what’s really important to you and what your “must haves” are in this lifetime.

What do you have to do before you die?


List out every single thing that you’re longing to be, do, try, learn, or experience no matter how silly (and in fact, the sillier the better. When I wrote my first list I thought living in Hawaii was like make-believe and impossible. And wowzers was I wrong!).


And there you have your deepest desires, in one giant list.


Neat, huh?


And now, for take a moment and reflect on – are your current priorities reflecting these “must haves”?


Are your choices reflecting those desires?


If not now, when?


(pssst – the answer is always now. Time to start doing something new honey buns!)


.   .   .   . 


Most people deeply desire to make more money. That’s just a reality. Because with more money comes more freedom, more ability to travel, more ability to make radical shifts in your work situation, and your living situation. Basically, more money = ability to knock things off the list above.


So here’s my gift to you. A free Money Mantra Meditation recording. No strings attached. Start seeding your subconscious mind immediately with the knowledge that YOU CAN BE WEALTHY (and trust me – that does NOT make you greedy. More about that in next week’s blog which you’ll receive if you sign up for the Money Mantras Meditation Here).


The Money Mantra Meditation download will only be availble for a limited time for free. So snag it now while you still can!

How to Shift Doubt into Belief

How to Shift Doubt into Belief


We’re not always filled to the brim with belief. In fact, many times we descend into a big pile of messy doubt.

  • Doubt about whether we’re good enough.
  • Doubt about whether we have what it takes to succeed.
  • Doubt about whether the money will ever start rolling in.
  • Doubt about our right to shine a light on our genius and change the world.
  • Doubt about whether we have something important to say. Whether we even want to DO this.
  • Doubt about whether we even HAVE a big mission.

And doubt starts the rain of crappy thoughts “maybe I should look for a job”, “no one cares about what I have so say”, “I’m never going to be successful”.

Doubt is a sneaky bugger who will take the wind out of your sails and make your boat stop cold in the middle of the lake – and you’re there wondering what the heck to do about it.

Well, good thing I’m here to rescue you from the depths of doubt so that you can get back to rocking and rolling in your business and your life.

What the heck is doubt?

  1. Doubt is just a type of resistance
  2. Doubt is a feeling of deprivation
  3. Doubt is a fear that you’re not enough.
  4. Doubt is a choice.
  5. Doubt is a way we self-sabotage
  6. Doubt is a success killer
  7. Doubt is the gateway drug to avoidance, denial, procrastination, and excuses
  8. Doubt makes you look for problems that aren’t there


Doubt is the expression of your fear that you’re not enough.

I know, you’re sitting there saying “but I’m a really confident person!”

But let’s be real here. You can be a super confident badass and still feel like there’s a dumpster of doubt dumping down on you at every opportunity.

Doubt is a way that we self-sabotage.

And doubt is a choice.

“Say what? Dr. Ash that CANNOT be true!”.

Well, it is.

Imagine that there are two rivers. One is belief. And the other is doubt.

When you’re in the stream of belief you feel powerful, magical, expressive, and grounded. You’re passionate about your mission and are able to take daily massive action toward making that vision a reality.

Doubt, on the other hand, is a stream of crap. When you experience doubt you start self-sabotaging. You stop doing the things you know you need to do in your business. And this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You stop being visible. You stop owning your worth. You stop speaking to the real nuts and bolts of what your clients need to know. And your bank account reflects it. And you take this as evidence that “I can’t do this”.  And you, well, keep sitting there spinning in doubt.

Doubt can even make you quit all together.

Doubt is like a succubus that will entirely take over your life and drive your business into the ground if you let it.

You cannot succeed if you’re mired in doubt. Period.

You’ll find all the seemingly logical reasons why your doubt is right. Why your doubts are representative of a giant problem you have to solve.

But this is the exact WRONG strategy!

How to Shift from Doubt to Belief: 

    1. Own the doubt. Own that being doubtful is a choice and that you can shift out of it any time you want to. This ownership over your doubt might feel scary. Especially if you’re used to blaming everyone and everything else for your doubt. But only when you take deep responsibility for the doubt can you shift it.
    2. Stop feeding doubt. This takes some major mindset and emotional resilience skills. But you must become like a hawk with your thoughts. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into those old doubt thoughts, shift them. Even if you can’t shift them straight to belief, shift them to something neutral or that feels good.
    3. Silence the inner asshole. We all have an inner saboteur that will say the nastiest things to us. When you really get honest with yourself you’ll see that you have said some of the most heinous things to yourself imaginable. Things that you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy, let alone your grandma. You’re not one to stand for bullies. So why are you standing by and letting this inner bully ruin your momentum and suck your passion down the drain?
    4. Stop being a victim to doubt. When you’re in doubt, you’re in victim mode. You’re seeing yourself as someone who is controlled by an external force rather than someone who is in charge of everything that happens within her. When you take complete ownership over the doubt (see point #1) you stop being a victim to doubt. And guess what happens next? You become EMPOWERED to move toward belief.
    5. Fill your cup. Self-care is such an cliché term. But it’s important here. When you feel nurtured you are enacting the exact opposite of the self-deprivation that doubt creates. So when you feel fully supported and nurtured you’ll much more easily come around to belief.
    6. Fuel the rocket of belief. This can look like any number of things. Daily affirmations. Visualizing success. Praying and asking to be filled with belief. Making an evidence list of all the reasons you belief in yourself and your big mission. Get more sleep, eat well, and ask for support. Doubt is more likely to slip in when you feel tired, hungry, or sick.
    7. Stop looking for problems. One of the biggest problems I see with entrepreneurs is that they look for problems when there are none. Constantly looking for problems is a sure way to squash passion and desire in your business. It’s a way that you nit-pick yourself. And it’s a sure symptom of perfectionism.
    8. Ask better questions. The subconscious will always come back with a problem if you ask it “what’s my problem”. So start asking yourself better questions such as “how can I feel filled with belief?” The subconscious mind will then come back with an answer to that question instead!
    9. Get vigilant about who you spend time with. Many times doubt is fueled by other people in our environment who don’t understand our journey. Other people’s fears and doubts can be an insidious poison to our own belief. So silence the peanut gallery. Talk to important others in your life and set boundaries that make it clear that you are not open to hearing their doubts and fears. Leave relationships that fill you with doubt and fear.
    10. Put on blinders. So that coach you love just went out of business and you’re now shaking in your boots with doubts. Another coach is making near to 7-figures and that fills you with the feeling that “I can’t do that”. So what do you do? STOP PAYING ATTENTION. Put your eyes on your own paper, on your own mission, and stop paying attention to what other people are doing.
    11. Align with belief. Work on elevating your vibration however you can. Dance. Sing. Talk to others who believe in you. Meditate. Work on your vibration until you feel that belief is your birthright.
    12. Stop Underestimating Yourself. You can go higher! I know you can. Many people do! So go get a coach or a mastermind group. Have someone in your corner who believes in you and your big vision whole heartedly. Someone who can hold onto belief for you when you lose track of it. Someone who inspires you to aim higher and helps you reach it. Someone who helps you identify the things which get in the way of belief so that you can move through them and re-engage with belief!
    13. Get into your heart. The mind is the servant of the heart. Yet we’ve all been taught that the mind is in charge. The mind is where doubt, fear, and worry come from. Your heart knows that it’s all a LIE and that your truth is that you are divine.
    14. Make space for the wobbles. Everyone gets a little wobbly now and then. The key is to not feel guilt or shame about it. Allow yourself the space to feel all of your feelings and then move through them.
    15. Do the work. Doubt will give you ever reason imaginable to go do something else, anything else. Sitting down and taking action is the most powerful thing you can do to confront and move through doubt. Sit down and do the work. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Even if it’s imperfect. Even if you feel silly. No matter what – sit down every day and DO THE WORK.


    My webinar on Increasing Your Impact, Your Power, and Your Wealth by Moving through Resistance.

  1. Doubt is a type of resistance. And I KNOW that this webinar will be super powerful for you and help you shift back into belief if you’re feeling a bit wobbly.Check it out here for FREE and get INSTANT access: