Ask Dr. Ash – Coping with Toxic Family Holidays?

Ask Dr. Ash – Coping with Toxic Family Holidays?

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QUESTION

How do you navigate the holidays with difficult family members?

I’ve recently become aware that my parents are narcissistic (my dad) and codependent (my mom). After trying to set some boundaries, I decided to take a break from them since I couldn’t get anywhere when addressing them. I’m really enjoying this break, but now with the holidays approaching, I’m feeling confused on how to proceed.

I have a 5-year-old who would like to see them, but they refuse to FaceTime during my break (it’s all or nothing). I honestly would like to not address them at all, or spend the holidays with them in any way, or wish them a happy birthday which is also approaching. I know they’ll use this against me later (look, everyone, I told you she was a bad daughter), but at the same time, the thought of contacting them exhausts me.

Any advice? Thanks so much!!

– HoHum Holidays

DR. ASH

Holidays can be a particularly difficult time when it comes to coping with family. Especially if there is a narcissist involved in the equation. But here’s the truth – no one’s opinion of you and your life choices matters except your own.

I know it can seem threatening and confusing when you fear that someone might use your boundaries and distance against you, using it as fuel to a fire that you are not a good daughter. But sit down and ask yourself for a moment – why does it matter? Why does their opinion of you matter?

It matters because the toxicity & trauma from when you were growing up has conditioned you to believe that other people’s opinions of you are not only very important, but a valid reflection of your goodness, your worthiness, and your value in this world.

So sit back for a moment and ask yourself – “What’s the worst that would happen if they say ‘look, everyone, I told you she was a bad daughter’. What would happen? What would the worst case scenario be?”. Perhaps you may have a few family members or people in your parent’s community think ill of you. What else? What other fears are lurking there? Do they offer financial support that they might withdraw? Or emotional support?

Chances are that the biggest thing that would happen is that you’d feel guilty and filled with shame for putting yourself first. For asserting that you deserve to have a happy and satisfied life and doing what you need to do to make that happy.

It’s not what they think of you that’s really bothering you. It’s the internalized fears about what you’ll think of yourself.

You see, no one can really make us feel anything. Think about it. If you were on a crowded subway and bumped into someone and they had the opinion of “look, everyone, I told you she was a bad person!” you’d probably brush it right off and go on with your day because you’ve decided that that person’s opinion isn’t valid. But since you decided, probably when you were young, that your parents’ opinions were valid you feel as though when you go against those opinions you’re doing something wrong.

You’re essentially activating the “bad girl” inside of you that fears being punished. The archetypal inner child that fears that if she breaks the rules she’ll be abandoned and never loved by anyone.

Of course, your adult self knows better than this. And lucky for you she can learn new ways of coping and can decondition all of that old toxicity & trauma that’s kept you locked into the cycle of guilt and shame that has kept you replaying the same patterns over and over.

Plus, as yourself this – if you had to choose either them being disappointed with you and feeling guilty about it OR you getting to be happy, relaxed and relieved which is more important? Which is more valuable?

The answer is pretty obvious to me 😉

“Here’s the truth – no one’s opinion of you and your life choices matters except your own.” – Click to Tweet

This month in The Abundance Revolution, we’ll be talking specifically about surviving the holidays with toxic family.

There’s a lot of other aspects to coping with toxic family during the holidays that I’m super excited to teach. Such as how to shape behavior, how to give yourself an escape hatch, how to deal with grief, anxiety, and depression during the holidays, and how to keep your sanity during a season we’ve all been conditioned to put everyone else first.

Join us in The Abundance Revolution Membership. In this membership, you’ll discover how to cultivate inner strength, self-trust, and resilience so that you can finally feel comfortable putting yourself first without feeling selfish. To decondition those old beliefs, heal the inner child, and finally get what you’ve always wanted. And for a limited time, you can try it for only $22.

Grab your spot today!

Got a Question?

Got a question for Dr. Ash? Send them to support@ashleegreer.com and you may find your question featured in one of the upcoming editions!

 

 

Anxiety. Fear. Playing Small. Stuckness.

You’re living in a prison of your own making.

It’s time to change that forever.

 

Download NOW for FREE!

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

The Fear of Success – Toxicity & Trauma Connection

The Fear of Success – Toxicity & Trauma Connection

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A feeling of loss and abandonment from the past can cause you to fear success NOW.

She Wouldn’t Let Herself Feel It

I recently had an amazing session with a client who just finally fully felt and began to move through a foundational loss from 40 years ago and sees how it has made her feel that it’s not safe to desire beautiful things because “they could get taken away from me”.

She had been telling herself for years that it’s “stupid” and “silly” to still be impacted by this old wound.

So she wouldn’t let herself feel it. She wouldn’t let herself recognize how it was impacting her today.

She was judging herself for not just “getting over it already”

So she shut herself off emotionally to what happened years ago, to protect herself from it. And to cope and “get over it”.

Which caused her to shut herself off emotionally across the board.

Ultimately, she felt shut down from feeling fully on fire and alight with passion for her life. She didn’t even know how to connect with the deepest feelings of what she really wanted in life.

Imprisoned by a Fear of Success

Because when you shut down one type of emotion, you shut down your access to all of them.

She had been constantly holding back. For fear that she would lose what she wanted. Afraid that she would feel more loss, abandonment, and disappointment if she reached for the gold standard.

She had convinced herself that she couldn’t handle those feelings.

So she ran from success.

She became imprisoned by a fear of success because she had convinced herself that it was safer not to feel. And therefore safer not to desire. Not to achieve.

“You must look at the past, at the wounds of your childhood, at the uncomfortable emotions, in order to move through your fear of success.” – Click to Tweet

Allow Your Emotions to Pass Through You

Today we started releasing all of that fear of loss so that she could open the way for her to have what it is she truly wanted.

To do this she is finally feeling her feelings.

Without shame.

 Allowing them to pass through her without judging them as “stupid”.

 Releasing the shroud of “I should be over this by now”.

 Letting go of the shame for feeling the loss and abandonment

 Saying to herself “it’s okay to feel”.

Because only by feeling it can she finally let it pass through her.

And only by feeling it can YOU finally let it move through you so that you can break through the fears of success and achieve what you’ve always wanted.

Once you realize that these emotions can pass through you (and that you won’t get stuck there), you can stop avoiding anything that might trigger your fears. Anything that might stimulate in you the fear that you could lose it (like success and more money).

Move Through Fear to Success

And this is why you must look at the past, at the wounds of your childhood, at the uncomfortable emotions, in order to move through your fear of success.

This is what I do with my one-on-one clients. As per this writing I have just two more spots to work with me on-on-one before my rates increase.

If you know that you’re ready to break through the success ceiling and make way for a whole new bright future then sign up for an insight session below and let’s chat about revolutionizing your life forever.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

When Crazy Is The Best Path

When Crazy Is The Best Path

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Logic Is Over-rated

Some may call me crazy. And perhaps I am. But I’d also like to think I’m a visionary….

Logic didn’t get me to living in Hawaii for 14 months, off-grid on an organic farm.

It didn’t get me to quit my job as a psychologist. To leave my engagement – that looked great to everyone else.

And it sure the fuck didn’t take me to Bali.

I actually remember sitting out on my lenai in Hawaii crying, thinking “are you crazy! You want to move to Bali? You’re going to leave paradise to move to some unknown place you’ve never been to an 11 hour flight away?”

But I had to follow my heart.

My heart knew.

Lead With Your Heart

I live by the brilliance of my heart.

My heart leads the way.

Every time I make a decision that serves my highest good it’s because my heart was in charge, not my mind.

My mind likes to come up with all these “reasons” that sound perfectly reasonable.

 “You’ve never been to SE Asia”

 “It’s hard to live in another country”

 “You’ll have to take even less with you than you have now”

 “You won’t know anyone, you won’t know the language, you won’t have your friends close by for a safety net”.

They all sound like perfectly reasonable reasons not to move to Bali.

But they were all just bullshit fears and excuses that I was throwing up for myself to try to give myself a “logical” reason to ignore my heart.

You see, your subconscious mind is filled with the limits you’ve put on yourself throughout your life.

If you come from toxicity and trauma, that can be a whole big bag of rocks you’re unknowingly carrying around on your back.

All kinds of reasons that pop up without you even realizing it’s happening that tell you:

 Why I should stay small.

 Shut up and be polite.

 Not have feelings that burn like a wildfire.

 And not have an opinion that might chase some people off.

“Fear is but a prison. And you hold the key.” – Click to Tweet

Unlock The Cage Door

My whole life burns. Smoldering Ash… when I allow it to.

When I stop saying “slow down. That’s enough.” Or “hold up. You’re reaching the boundary of reasonable.”

When instead I allow myself to swim in the ethers.

Not considering “what’s possible.”

Not caring “what’s probable.”

But letting myself be in the full-bodied embrace of this moment.

And trusting the path to unfold.

Knowing that what I most dearly desire is rushing toward me, but will expand and become bigger in time.

As I expand and increase my capacity to hold those dreams.

The impossible is made real through the moans of your ecstatic embrace of life.

Today.

Now.

Stop silencing the hushed whispers of your the bliss that exists in the now, the bliss that allows those untold desires untold.

And let go of the “what if’s” that have been impressed upon you by the world.

By the conditioning of the past.

Fear is but a prison. And you hold the key.

This is the work I do with my one-one-one coaching clients.

If you’re ready to finally live a “hell yes” life where the grand adventure unfolds in the most revolutionarily blissful way possible, than snag a spot on my calendar below and let’s talk about if coaching is for you.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Toxicity & Trauma Make You Feel You’re On Your Own

Toxicity & Trauma Make You Feel You’re On Your Own

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Toxicity Makes It Hard To Ask For Help

A toxic childhood makes it hard to acknowledge you can’t figure it out on your own.

It becomes hard to ask for help. Hard to acknowledge that you have problems.

When you were a child in that toxic environment, you were expected to figure it all out on your own.

To “suck it up” and “be quiet.”  To be the good girl.

To not only manage your own fear and anxiety, but to manage the emotions of those around you by not rocking the boat.

Boat rocking looked like:

  Crying

 Getting angry

 Admitting that things “weren’t okay”

 Asking for help

 Being afraid

 Telling someone older than you that something was wrong at home (one of the CARDINAL sins when you come from a toxic childhood)

So you swallowed it all down.

You went it alone.

You Had To Go It Alone

When you were a child you were stuck figuring it all out on your own, and that pattern has likely followed you into adulthood.

The disappointments that came from the few times you did reach out, and were admonished or met by punishment, taught you that you couldn’t trust others.

That you couldn’t bring all of who you were to others. The pain. The frustration. The anxiety. The fear.

You had to show them the facade. The “shiny happy version” of you that didn’t cause any trouble.

You learned that when you to admited you had problems, that you were causing problems.

And more problems was the last thing you wanted.

So you learned to be silent.

You swallowed it down further.

You Suffered in Silence

You figured that it was all on your back and that you had to suffer in silence.

Even if it took you three times as long to figure it out, you’d do it on your own.

Even if you couldn’t find the answer, you’d find a way.

Even if you were stuck and afraid and felt like you wanted to give up, you couldn’t let yourself admit to others that you needed them.

 What if they hurt you?

 What if they disappointed you?

 What if they judged you?

 What if they thought you were weak?

And so the path got lonelier and lonelier.

And you felt more and more backed into a corner because there was no one you could turn to when you didn’t know what to do.

“The path is shorter, more joyful, and with far less suffering when you reach out to others and ask for help.” – Click to Tweet

You Don’t Have To Do It Alone

Now, this cycle isn’t without benefits.

Because you’re mad resourceful.

And you’re independent and fierce.

And you do usually figure things out (even if it takes you longer than it would with assistance).

But let’s be straight.

Although you can do it alone, you don’t have to.

We’re not meant to have to do this alone.

The path is shorter, more joyful, and with far less suffering when you reach out to others and ask for help.

You stop spinning in resistance and “really good reasons why” you can’t do the things you really want to do (whether that’s starting your business, making more money, getting that promotion, or meeting your divine partner).

You stop finding reasons to back the “this is too hard” and are able to see that with help, it’s not so bad…

Because finally, you feel like you don’t have to carry the burden all on your own.

It’s like carrying a heavy suitcase.

You can probably do it yourself.

You can manage.

You might strain a few muscles. But you are capable of so much!

But when you finally get the courage to ask for help, you no longer have to carry that weight all on your own.

It actually ends up feeling easy!

Your Shortcut to Success

Asking for, and receiving help from others doesn’t mean that you don’t trust yourself.

It doesn’t mean you’re not capable.

It doesn’t mean that you’re not strong.

All it means is that you’re ready to feel supported, nurture, and free to focus on what’s really important.

Because when you’re unwilling to receive help.

You going to see that mirrored in receiving other things.

 Like a loving partner who has your back.

 Compliments

 More money.

 That raise.

 And that self-worth that tells you you’re enough (and have always been enough).

This is why you hire a coach like me.

To create the shortcut to success.

And to finally learn to receive what you’ve always wanted.

Without having to struggle alone, for far longer than necessary, to get there.

You are not alone.

You are never alone.

Let’s do this together.

 

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

You’re Always Going To Have Fear. Here’s What To Do About it.

You’re Always Going To Have Fear. Here’s What To Do About it.

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The Myth of Fearlessness

It’s a major petpeeve of mine that so many people seem to scream from the rooftops “be fearless!!!”

Like that’s the badge of “making it” in the world.

Fearlessness.

Um, Bueller? Hello? Fear is adaptive. Fear is something that evolved through millenia for reasons

To say “be fearless” is the equivalent of saying “don’t be sad”.

And that’s major bullshit.

(Sadness also serves a distinct purpose).

So here’s the truth.

If you’re waiting till you don’t have any fear – you’re always going to be waiting.

The point isn’t to proceed only when you’re fearless.

Because fearlessness doesn’t really exist.

Fearlessness Is A Prison

The point is to hone your instincts so well that you’re able to discern when fear is indicating a true threat or a nudge from the divine that something is out of order.

Or when fear is just a natural reaction to pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone.

Because fear is NATURAL and comes up every time you step outside the norm.

Every time you step outside the comfort of what you know, you’re going to encounter fear.

So saying “I must be fearless” locks you in a prison.

Because you’ll never be fearless stepping into the unknown.

So if you expect yourself to be fearless, you’ll never step out and be brave.

Go Beyond Your Inner Resistance

Growth is uncomfortable. And fear is a normal part of growth (usually fear mixed with excitement).

The trick is getting beyond your inner resistance that tells you to back down just because you’re afraid.

Persist beyond your resistance.

Because staying paralyzed by fear can be one of the biggest types of self-sabotage there is.

And when you stop all the self-sabotage, just watch all you’ve wanted become your reality.

“Persist beyond your resistance.” – Click to Tweet

Defeat Your Self-Sabotage

Want help defeating your own self-sabotage? Know you’ve needed support but aren’t yet ready to dive into an in-depth one-on-one mentorship? Snag your spot in The Abundance Revolution.

This is my paid membership community of like-minded souls who are doing the work of ascending beyond their resistance, shedding the people-pleasing, and finally harnessing their brilliance to live the life (and have the business) of their dreams.

Each month we do 3 masterclasses on various topics, a group “hot-seat” coaching call, twice monthly psychic reading threads, and SO much more (including bonus courses, guest trainings, and daily oracle cards for the group).

Check it out!

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

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The Fear of Being Found Out

Fear of success often looks like fear of being found out.

That’s how it looked for me.

I’ve carried around this burden for years of “how did I turn out so good?” When i came from such a terrible background.

The Baggage of a Toxic Background

I was an only child in a house with one narcissistic and one alcoholic parent.

I was verbally and psychologically abused growing up regularly. Screamed at. Berated. Belittled in front of friends. Forgotten. And taught to “lie” to make things easy.

But none of those things are who I am. Somehow, I’m honest to a fault. I hate lying. I hate selfishness and abusiveness.

And yet there was always a fear beneath it all that “maybe that’s who I really am”.

How could I be made up of this DNA, but still be good?

Am I actually good?

Which is essentially asking “am I good enough?”

Hiding The Shame of Who I Really Am

I was scared of being found out by the world. That somehow my skin would be torn off and I’d be some crazy looking shriveled up alien reptile underneath and everyone would be appalled.

So I kept the world at arm’s length.

Not letting myself get too deep into anything.

  • My relationships
  • My desires
  • Even my business

Deciding it was easier NOT to be vulnerable.

That it was easier to just be protected and keep myself safe.

But I wasn’t really keeping myself safe. Rather, I was hiding the secret shame of who I was afraid to be found out to be.

The shame of who I really am.

Not a bad person. But a person who was born to not great people.

“Honor every single damn piece of you.” – Click to Tweet

I Thought I Was Broken

I don’t have the awesome loving supportive family that I saw others with.

And I thought it made me “less than.”

Somehow wounded and wrong and bad.

Broken.

Instead of understanding that in fact, it made me see.

It made me see my clients so clearly….

To be able to hold their pain. And their hearts.

Blessings in Disguise

My challenging background allowed me to find another level of compassion for people.

Compassion for things that my clients had judged themselves so harshly for.

Compassion for things that my clients had made themselves feel like they were a villain for.

It allowed me to not be afraid of the shadow.

Of the fear.

Of the sadness.

Of the pain of others.

And instead allowed me to hold onto pieces of my clients that had never been held before.

To hold them tight in love and honesty, where in the past they may not have felt worthy of it.

And more than anything, it allowed me to be kind.

To realize that fear, pain, and confusion don’t necessarily make you bad. And don’t taint your soul. They don’t put you into a locked closet of harshness.

They can instead make you kind, and loving.

You see, I know what it’s like to come from a past where you weren’t allowed to set boundaries. Where you didn’t have enoughness reflected back to you. Where you wondered if you were truly loved.

 

Enoughness Is Your Birthright

Luckily. You can learn that the enoughness you didn’t feel growing up has always been within you.

And you can learn to turn that bountiful heart toward yourself.

To turn that kind heart, the one that somehow wasn’t shattered, into a place where the light gets in.

Honor your heart dear ones. Honor your journeys. Honor the pain and the strife.

Honor every single damn piece of you.

Because you are marvelous.

And each piece composes the entirety of who and what you are.

You too can release the shame and guilt from your past.

To stop living from your hurts.

And to stop wasting all your energy on protecting your sore spots.

To learn to trust yourself. To trust your heart. To trust your instincts. To be firm in what you deserve. And to never settle for how things used to be ever again.

Your pain, your difficulties, they have created you into the incredible, kind, and amazing person you are.

Honor it. Hold it. Allow yourself to accept and love it. ALL of it.

All of you.

Your True Self Is Beautiful

If you’d like help learning to honor and hold tight to the beauty of ALL of you. To build real and abiding self-worth, self-confidence, and finally put yourself FIRST so you too can overflow with love. Then it’s time we talk about working one-on-one together.

My work will help you see that you are so much more than you’ve ever thought. And that there’s nothing you have to do to be it except embrace, accept, and love ALL of you.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.