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The Fear of Being Found Out
Fear of success often looks like fear of being found out.
That’s how it looked for me.
I’ve carried around this burden for years of “how did I turn out so good?” When i came from such a terrible background.
The Baggage of a Toxic Background
I was an only child in a house with one narcissistic and one alcoholic parent.
I was verbally and psychologically abused growing up regularly. Screamed at. Berated. Belittled in front of friends. Forgotten. And taught to “lie” to make things easy.
But none of those things are who I am. Somehow, I’m honest to a fault. I hate lying. I hate selfishness and abusiveness.
And yet there was always a fear beneath it all that “maybe that’s who I really am”.
How could I be made up of this DNA, but still be good?
Am I actually good?
Which is essentially asking “am I good enough?”
Hiding The Shame of Who I Really Am
I was scared of being found out by the world. That somehow my skin would be torn off and I’d be some crazy looking shriveled up alien reptile underneath and everyone would be appalled.
So I kept the world at arm’s length.
Not letting myself get too deep into anything.
- My relationships
- My desires
- Even my business
Deciding it was easier NOT to be vulnerable.
That it was easier to just be protected and keep myself safe.
But I wasn’t really keeping myself safe. Rather, I was hiding the secret shame of who I was afraid to be found out to be.
The shame of who I really am.
Not a bad person. But a person who was born to not great people.
I Thought I Was Broken
I don’t have the awesome loving supportive family that I saw others with.
And I thought it made me “less than.”
Somehow wounded and wrong and bad.
Instead of understanding that in fact, it made me see.
It made me see my clients so clearly….
To be able to hold their pain. And their hearts.
Blessings in Disguise
My challenging background allowed me to find another level of compassion for people.
Compassion for things that my clients had judged themselves so harshly for.
Compassion for things that my clients had made themselves feel like they were a villain for.
It allowed me to not be afraid of the shadow.
Of the fear.
Of the sadness.
Of the pain of others.
And instead allowed me to hold onto pieces of my clients that had never been held before.
To hold them tight in love and honesty, where in the past they may not have felt worthy of it.
And more than anything, it allowed me to be kind.
To realize that fear, pain, and confusion don’t necessarily make you bad. And don’t taint your soul. They don’t put you into a locked closet of harshness.
They can instead make you kind, and loving.
You see, I know what it’s like to come from a past where you weren’t allowed to set boundaries. Where you didn’t have enoughness reflected back to you. Where you wondered if you were truly loved.
Enoughness Is Your Birthright
Luckily. You can learn that the enoughness you didn’t feel growing up has always been within you.
And you can learn to turn that bountiful heart toward yourself.
To turn that kind heart, the one that somehow wasn’t shattered, into a place where the light gets in.
Honor your heart dear ones. Honor your journeys. Honor the pain and the strife.
Honor every single damn piece of you.
Because you are marvelous.
And each piece composes the entirety of who and what you are.
You too can release the shame and guilt from your past.
To stop living from your hurts.
And to stop wasting all your energy on protecting your sore spots.
To learn to trust yourself. To trust your heart. To trust your instincts. To be firm in what you deserve. And to never settle for how things used to be ever again.
Your pain, your difficulties, they have created you into the incredible, kind, and amazing person you are.
Honor it. Hold it. Allow yourself to accept and love it. ALL of it.
All of you.
Your True Self Is Beautiful
If you’d like help learning to honor and hold tight to the beauty of ALL of you. To build real and abiding self-worth, self-confidence, and finally put yourself FIRST so you too can overflow with love. Then it’s time we talk about working one-on-one together.
My work will help you see that you are so much more than you’ve ever thought. And that there’s nothing you have to do to be it except embrace, accept, and love ALL of you.