Boundaries Aren’t Bitchy

Boundaries Aren’t Bitchy

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Bitch Mode Boundaries

Most people hear “boundaries” and they think they have to erect a brick wall that says “STOP”! That they have to go into bitch mode and slap some sense into some people.

But the most effective boundaries don’t work like that.

Boundaries can be kind, inviting, and actually nurture relationships.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing other people back.

They’re not about adopting a “this way or the highway!”

They’re not about coming at people from a place of anger or feeling disrespected.

(In fact, if you’re at that point, you haven’t set your boundaries soon enough).

Setting Boundaries People Want to Follow

Successful boundaries are about expressing your needs and your standards in a way that other people can hear and understand and want to fulfill.

They’re about helping people understand what would make you happy, and how they can give that to you.

It’s about making it clear that by respecting your boundaries, they win too.

Successful boundaries make it easy and fun for people to want to give you what you want.

“There are ways to set boundaries where it feels good for EVERYONE involved.” – Click to Tweet

Don’t Fear Boundaries

Because no one responds well to being bossed around.

No one likes feeling criticized.

People get defensive when they’re approached from a place of anger.

Everyone rebels against orders.

No one wants to hear that harsh critical voice barking out “do this! Not that!”.

And yet, for most women I work with, that’s what they feel that boundaries are.

 “I don’t want to set boundaries, or I won’t be able to stay committed to being loving and caring!”

“I don’t want to set boundaries or I’ll be an asshole!”

“I don’t want to set boundaries or I’ll be abandoning people!”

No wonder you feel like ambivalent about setting boundaries!

Boundaries Are About Love

Boundaries aren’t about abandoning others.

They’re not about being harsh and uncaring.

And they’re most definitely not going to go over well if you’re an asshole about it (lol).

There are ways to set boundaries where it feels good for EVERYONE involved.

Boundaries allow for more intimacy.

Boundaries allow for more vulnerability.

Boundaries actually allow you to be more loving!

Because setting boundaries can be a win-win for everyone.

And when it’s a win-win it’s much easier for EVERYONE to get what they really want.

Now doesn’t that sound fun?

Want more info on how to set boundaries that people actually want to follow? Grab my free ebook bel In it you’ll find a special bonus workshop on setting boundaries that allow you to be MORE loving in your life!  

 

 

 

 Transform your life from an “I guess” to a “Hell Yes!” with this free ebook

It’s time to release the Toxicity & Trauma that’s been keeping you stuck for good.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

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The Fear of Being Found Out

Fear of success often looks like fear of being found out.

That’s how it looked for me.

I’ve carried around this burden for years of “how did I turn out so good?” When i came from such a terrible background.

The Baggage of a Toxic Background

I was an only child in a house with one narcissistic and one alcoholic parent.

I was verbally and psychologically abused growing up regularly. Screamed at. Berated. Belittled in front of friends. Forgotten. And taught to “lie” to make things easy.

But none of those things are who I am. Somehow, I’m honest to a fault. I hate lying. I hate selfishness and abusiveness.

And yet there was always a fear beneath it all that “maybe that’s who I really am”.

How could I be made up of this DNA, but still be good?

Am I actually good?

Which is essentially asking “am I good enough?”

Hiding The Shame of Who I Really Am

I was scared of being found out by the world. That somehow my skin would be torn off and I’d be some crazy looking shriveled up alien reptile underneath and everyone would be appalled.

So I kept the world at arm’s length.

Not letting myself get too deep into anything.

  • My relationships
  • My desires
  • Even my business

Deciding it was easier NOT to be vulnerable.

That it was easier to just be protected and keep myself safe.

But I wasn’t really keeping myself safe. Rather, I was hiding the secret shame of who I was afraid to be found out to be.

The shame of who I really am.

Not a bad person. But a person who was born to not great people.

“Honor every single damn piece of you.” – Click to Tweet

I Thought I Was Broken

I don’t have the awesome loving supportive family that I saw others with.

And I thought it made me “less than.”

Somehow wounded and wrong and bad.

Broken.

Instead of understanding that in fact, it made me see.

It made me see my clients so clearly….

To be able to hold their pain. And their hearts.

Blessings in Disguise

My challenging background allowed me to find another level of compassion for people.

Compassion for things that my clients had judged themselves so harshly for.

Compassion for things that my clients had made themselves feel like they were a villain for.

It allowed me to not be afraid of the shadow.

Of the fear.

Of the sadness.

Of the pain of others.

And instead allowed me to hold onto pieces of my clients that had never been held before.

To hold them tight in love and honesty, where in the past they may not have felt worthy of it.

And more than anything, it allowed me to be kind.

To realize that fear, pain, and confusion don’t necessarily make you bad. And don’t taint your soul. They don’t put you into a locked closet of harshness.

They can instead make you kind, and loving.

You see, I know what it’s like to come from a past where you weren’t allowed to set boundaries. Where you didn’t have enoughness reflected back to you. Where you wondered if you were truly loved.

 

Enoughness Is Your Birthright

Luckily. You can learn that the enoughness you didn’t feel growing up has always been within you.

And you can learn to turn that bountiful heart toward yourself.

To turn that kind heart, the one that somehow wasn’t shattered, into a place where the light gets in.

Honor your heart dear ones. Honor your journeys. Honor the pain and the strife.

Honor every single damn piece of you.

Because you are marvelous.

And each piece composes the entirety of who and what you are.

You too can release the shame and guilt from your past.

To stop living from your hurts.

And to stop wasting all your energy on protecting your sore spots.

To learn to trust yourself. To trust your heart. To trust your instincts. To be firm in what you deserve. And to never settle for how things used to be ever again.

Your pain, your difficulties, they have created you into the incredible, kind, and amazing person you are.

Honor it. Hold it. Allow yourself to accept and love it. ALL of it.

All of you.

Your True Self Is Beautiful

If you’d like help learning to honor and hold tight to the beauty of ALL of you. To build real and abiding self-worth, self-confidence, and finally put yourself FIRST so you too can overflow with love. Then it’s time we talk about working one-on-one together.

My work will help you see that you are so much more than you’ve ever thought. And that there’s nothing you have to do to be it except embrace, accept, and love ALL of you.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

How to Help the Broken Child Within

How to Help the Broken Child Within

When I was a child, my mother wouldn’t touch me much at all.

And because of that, I’ve had a belief my whole life that I’m unwanted.

Bullied when I was in grade school.

Marginalized and without many friends because I was pushed ahead due to being bright. It was a hard road to feel young and an outcast at school.

And then come home and with parents fighting so terribly that there was barely an opportunity for me to be seen.

I misbehaved. I got terrible grades.

And then I started succumbing to the “good girl” ideal that if I just was “better” they’d treat me “better”.

I Tried to Be What Everyone Wanted Me To Be

So I was a good student. I towed the line. Didn’t talk back.

And disappeared even more into a persona of what other people wanted me to be.

And I was still invisible. Still unimportant. Still yearning to be wanted by someone. Anyone.

Rebellion followed.

Years of substituting sex for love.

Of being engaged to a “nice man” who was a safe bet but who never really knew the real me.

Because of this core mother wound, I would push good things away from me before they could reject me.

Push, push, push. I’ve walked through life for a very long time as a broken child.

One who carries the secret burden, the secret fear, that she’s unwanted deep within her soul.

This Discovery Shifted Everything

But I discovered something powerful. That when I lose my self-consciousness and live from my heart that the world shifts on its axis.

Instead of being a magnet that repels. I become a magnet that attracts. Just by no longer thinking about what other people think about me. Assuming that they think or feel or believe the best until proven otherwise. By discovering the deep power of shifting out of protection, and into openness.

You see, when we push everything away from us, we cannot be open to receive the wonders that the world has in store. No dreams can come rushing through the door. Because we’ve closed it and padlocked it for fear of someone breaking in.

There’s Another Option

Will we get hurt by being open? Yes, of course.

But that’s what good boundaries are for.

That’s what trust in the self is about.

That’s what epic love and nurturing of the self helps you with.

Knowing exactly what’s acceptable to you, understanding you’re worth it, and trusting yourself to leave if those standards aren’t met.

Just because important others in your life haven’t accepted you and loved you, doesn’t mean the rest of the world will receive you that way. Just because it hasn’t been safe to be yourself with your family or your old friends, doesn’t mean that that’s “true” and that you can’t be yourself.

“You cannot be hurt by love. You can only be hurt by refusing love, pushing love away, or losing the love that would have been yours if you’d just shown up as all of you.” – Click to Tweet

It Is Safe To Be You

It’s time to turn the whole world on its axis. And stop assuming the world “isn’t safe”. And start seeing that you’re always safe. Because you’re always in the loving embrace of your own self-acceptance and love. And when you know that down to the bones. Then self-expression becomes your nature. And you no longer push away that which might hurt you. Because you cannot be hurt by love. You can only be hurt by refusing love, pushing love away, or losing the love that would have been yours if you’d just shown up as all of you.

Love Can Mean Many Things

And when I refer to love – that’s what running a business is – love of what you have to bring to the world. Of others. Of service. Of your soul’s message.

That’s what being fully present with your children is – a graceful expression of love of self, showing them how it’s done.

That’s what loving your partner in the most profound way is – loving yourself enough to fully let go of controlling them, and just love them.

That’s what having all your dreams come true is. Loving yourself enough to decide on what you want. Deciding you’re worthy of it. And claiming it.

 

Trust Me

Being yourself can be so so scary. Because it could mean you’re rejected for the thing that is closest and dearest to you.

But you must trust that you’ll be okay.

That you’re sensitive, and strong, and bright.

And to cheat the world out of your light for fear of it being dimmed is no way to live.

And it just dims the light you’re keeping fear anyway.

Share that big beautiful light of yours.

Open up. Live from your heart.

It’s the most precious and valuable risk you’ll ever take.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. I’m powerfully psychic and have over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Stop Protecting Those Who Failed to Protect You

Stop Protecting Those Who Failed to Protect You

For many years I have held myself back from naming many of the things that have happened to me.

In a conditioned belief that it was my job to protect those who didn’t protect me.

But I see now that I have cheated not only myself but my clients and those I impact, out of fear of speaking the truth.

Believing You Must Keep Silent

When you come from a background where you were abused, bullied, or made to feel like a terrible person you often carry a secret responsibility to “quietly hold the family secrets”.

So you silence yourself for fear of shaming or guilting others.

Not realizing that you’re actually silencing and shaming yourself.

There’s No Need to Hide

Be honest with yourself. Share your vulnerable heart. Stand up and own what happened in the past.

It does not define you.

It defines them.

There’s no need to hide it anymore.

It’s not your duty to protect them.

It’s time for YOU first now.

Because self-first is not self-ish

“Because self-first is not selfish.” – Click to Tweet

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. I’m powerfully psychic and have over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

The Mother Wound

The Mother Wound

First off, happy Mother’s Day to all of you kickass mothers out there.

However, I want to talk about a very different aspect of Mother’s Day for many of us.

A dark secret that many of us carry.

That Mother’s Day can be a painful and lonely day filled with sadness and memories for those of you with a challenging relationship with your mother.

When your mother is absent, hyper-critical, judgmental, emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, seems to hurt your feelings for a living, or makes you feel less than.

Mother’s Day can feel like walking through a field of landmines.

It can bring up a ton of grief. Feeling like you missed out on a close relationship that you see around you on all the greeting cards and tv commercials.

On that day that’s filled with joy for so many, it may instead poke at the old wounds that make you ask “why wasn’t I good enough to have a good mother?”

And worse yet, most of us grow up learning to keep it a secret.

You learned to keep the sadness, the pain, the disappointment, the frustration, the sense of not-enoughness buried deep below a sea of trying to put on a happy face.

You carried the burden of trying to maintain the status quo. Of keeping all of this chaos secret. And focusing on keeping other people happy.

When you have a mother wound, you’ve been taught that you must silence your discomfort. You must quiet your rage. You must tuck away your sadness. And instead, focus on keeping other people happy.

Mother wounds can cause all kinds of problems in your life.

Ways The Mother Wound Can Impact You

People-Pleasing:

Put everyone else’s needs above your own. Feeling like you need to have others approval to be “good enough” or worthy. Feeling that if other people don’t approve of your decisions you may be abandoned or rejected. Feeling like you can’t trust yourself and that you must get others approval of your decisions because “you don’t don’t know what you’re doing”. 

Drowning in shame:

A sense of shame and feeling like you have to “make up for” where you came from by being extra good, by proving your worth, by hiding away any perceived imperfections. Minimizing any perceived similarities between you and your mother. Feeling as though anything you do that may be similar means you’re becoming “just like her” and experiencing intense guilt for any similarities (which are unavoidable and not something that you need to feel bad about. You have something to learn from even the most painful circumstances of your life).

Internalizing Problems and Blaming Yourself:

Internalizing blame by feeling that everything that goes wrong (or could go wrong) is somehow your fault. Being afraid of what would happen if you don’t take responsibility for everything that goes wrong (“I should know better. I’m becoming just like my mom”).

Over-Controlling:

Feeling like you must have control or things will fall apart. Wanting to control things because you feel like it’s the only way to control the chaos. This can be in the small things like how your towels are folded, or how you cook your morning eggs. Or it can be in the big things like controlling other people’s behaviors and choices. Or you may even feel the need to know exact plans, research every little thing in depth, or be the one in charge of major decisions or you feel “really out of control”

Fearing Conflict:

Feeling as though every time someone disagrees with you it could turn violent or ugly. That people will hate you if you disagree with them. That you are “bad” if you have different needs or opinions than others want you to have.  That somehow you must be wrong if everyone doesn’t agree with your point of view. And that maybe you should reconsider your own opinion if other people disagree. This is highly related to people-pleasing.

Lacking boundaries:

Fearing setting boundaries with others. Feel that it’s “mean” to set boundaries to tend to be a dumping ground for others. Or fear others so much that you tend to be walled up and defensive and over-protective to keep people from hurting you. Your issues with boundaries can be due to safety fears, fear of abandonment, or not knowing how to set boundaries in a healthy way.

Lacking trust:

Having difficulty trusting others. Feeling like you need to be what other people want you to be in order to be liked and approved of and not trusting them with your real self. Fearing that it’s not safe to show people who you really are. Not being authentic in your relationships.

Feeling like you can’t trust yourself or your own opinions. Fearing that you’re not really worth trusting.

Guilt for wanting more: Feeling bad or not worthy of wanting more money, freedom, joy, time.

Shrinking and Self-Sabotage:

Making yourself small to make others feel more comfortable in order for others to earn love. Getting in the way of your own happiness and success. Stopping yourself short of what you really want.

Fearing that you can’t have it all, so dimming yourself in some way or another so that you’re not threatening to anyone else (examples: gaining weight, drinking too much, procrastination).

When you have a mom who isn’t healthy you literally learn to fear your own awesomeness.

Being afraid of outshining others so making yourself small and more palatable so that others approve of you. Feeling like you’ll be targeted if you do stick your neck out and shine.

When you have a mother wound, you feel the need to shrink so that you won’t outshine her.

Feeling that by being fully yourself, fully vibrant, completely amazing, joyful, free, and absolutely fulfilled means you’re betraying her, betraying others, and somehow responsible for other people’s lack of these things. So you shrink to avoid that sense of responsibility (instead of addressing it head-on).

Putting Up With Crap:

Overlooking poor treatment of others. Making excuses for others poor behavior. Feeling like it’s your fault if others treat you poorly. Having little to no standards for how you’re treated. Allowing others to dump on you. Feeling that it’s your job to take care of everyone around you.

Caretaking: 

Feeling that it’s your job to take care of everyone around you. Putting other people’s needs first, always above your own. Trying to solve other people’s problems for them under the guise of “being nice”. Anticipating problems and the pains of others and trying to “save them” from them. Feeling that you must help others if you sense any discomfort or pain.

Everyone responds to the mother wound differently.

But generally, the response is on one end of the pendulum or another. You exist in the extremes and feel like life is “either/ or”, “good or bad”, and “black and white”.

This is part of the toxic cycle that happens because of the mother wound.

And when you don’t get help overcoming it you will tend to swing your pendulum from one extreme to the other.

From People-pleasing to thinking “screw them, I don’t need anyone”.

From self-blame to blaming others.

From being a dumping ground for others problems to walling yourself up and not being open or available to others at all.

The pendulum is not the answer. It’s part of the problem.

 * * * 

At your core, you fear to betray the contract you signed on for in childhood.

  • The contract to never outshine your mom.
  • The contract to never make too much noise.
  • The contract to be what other people wanted you to be.
  • The contract to put other people’s needs first.
  • The contract to sabotage yourself if you were making anyone else uncomfortable.
  • The contract that that made it “normal” for other people to treat you poorly.
  • The contract that said that you better be happy with what you have and shut up about it.
  • That contract that says that you must squish yourself down and make yourself small so that your mother doesn’t become enraged, sad, or withdraw her love.
  • The contract that states that you have to just “forgive and forget” and that it’s a betrayal to look at these deep wounds and heal them for good.
  • The contract that makes lying okay. That says that “that’s all in your imagination. That never happened!”
  • The contract that says that you can’t become too successful, too wealthy, too attractive, too popular or you may elicit envy, jealousy, anger, or coldness from your mother.
  • The contract that demanded silence, obedience, and putting the responsibility for everyone else’s happiness on your own back.

Oy vey is that a heavy burden to bear.

No wonder the mother wound can dig so deep into your psyche and pop up to cause so much trouble.

* * * 

And when day’s like today come around, we suddenly bump up against those painful points.

  • Those points that you’ve been protecting and shielding for so long that you believe are a part of you.
  • Those sore spots that you fear that if anyone else saw, they’d reject you.
  • Those bumps and bruises that you feel make you damaged, wrong, and not good enough.
  • Those painful places make you push others away, fear trusting, and push your feelings down into the dark to escape from.
  • Those ouchy places that still cry out, longing for soothing.
  • The young you that still wishes she could receive the love and nurturing that she never received.

All of these raw and open wounds inside of you long for healing.

And yet you feel that you’re not entitled to healing.

That this is just your burden to bear.

That you must “suck it up” because she’s your mom.

Because your mom did so much for you.

Because you’re loyal and loving and if you bring all of this out into the open in order to deal with it, it would mean you’re betraying her. You’re betraying your loyal and loving heart. Betraying the core of who you are.

No wonder you’ve kept silent and kept shoving down the pain.

But the truth is. Your silence does not fix your mother. Or stop her from suffering.

It just perpetuates your suffering.

It perpetuates the shame. The secrets. The lying to yourself saying that you’re “being dramatic”.

It creates a no-win scenario where you’re carrying around your mother’s wounds inside of you and blaming yourself for them. Feeling like maybe you can heal them, or soothe them, by just being “better” or reigning yourself in more from who you really are.

* * * 

Ignoring this wound has major consequences.

Like a wound on your body that you refuse to seek treatment for, it will rot. That rot spreads. You shrink more and more, get more and more exhausted trying to keep up the façade and feel true happiness, joy, contentment, and enjoyment are a myth that someone came up with to torture you.

You’ve got to air out the wound.

You’ve got to open it to the light.

What you’ve longed for lies on the other side of it.

Because you can stop being imprisoned by the mother wound when you stand up with the courage to say “no longer. I will no longer live this way”.

Overcoming The Mother Wound Will Change Everything For The Better: 

  • Feel Free To Shine: Stop fearing your own brilliance and start shining like a beacon
  • Authentic Happiness: Find joy, delight, and gratitude in things that used to feel like a burden.
  • Empower Your Intuition. Feel all of your feelings and see them as tools and information that helps you connect with your true path.
  • Normalize All Emotions. Cultivate the skill to sit with both your own and other people’s “uncomfortable” emotions.
  • Self-Nurturing. Nurture yourself and drop the guilt around giving to yourself and treating yourself like a beloved. Like you wish your mother had treated you.
  • Drop The Need For Control. Stopping the cycle of feeling like other people are rejecting you when they don’t live up to your very narrow expectations.
  • Silence The Inner Asshole — the internalized judge, critic, and abuser who makes you feel small, not good enough, and rips you apart any chance it gets. To stop renting space in your head to people who have been abusive or unkind to you.
  • Cultivate Healthy Relationships. Feel more intimate and connected to others as you become more intimately connected with yourself.
  • Worthiness: Feel that you are worthy, worthwhile, and that you deserve everything you’ve ever desired.
  • Unconditional Love: Both give and receive unconditional love — unbound by the need to control and manipulate in order to feel like you’re “enough”
  • Feel Good Enough and Authentic. Feel loved and adored and good enough in your own skin. No longer feeling like you have to be something you’re not. No longer craving approval in order to feel worthy.
  • Discover YOU. Who you truly are. And become fully authentic and self-expressed.
  • Trusting yourself. Trusting others. Trusting the divine. And trusting in life itself.

* * * 

You are no longer that child.

You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.

You protected your precious heart.

And here you are today. Ready to take a leap toward becoming the woman you’re meant to be.

Finally feeling the courage to stop having to be the child who molded herself into what others wanted her to be in order to be loved.

You’re ready to embrace your freedom.

You are prepared to fly.

Knowing the doorway lies through being honest and open and addressing the wounds that you’ve kept secret, and silent, and tucked away inside of you for so long.

It’s the most rewarding journey you’ll ever take in your life.

This is the work I do with my clients. I help them move through these ways of coping and stop feeling like they have to protect the sore places inside. And instead, heal them for good. Becoming joyful, ecstatic, and open to receive what they’ve always wanted in life.

When your heart and soul know that you can’t live like this any longer.

When you’re ready to breathe deep a sign of contentment.

When you’re done with playing small for others comfort.

When you’re ready to become ALL of you.

And to invite in success and achieve more than you ever thought possible.

I’m here to help

 Transform your life from an “I guess” to a “Hell Yes!” with this free ebook

It’s time to release the Toxicity & Trauma that’s been keeping you stuck for good.

 

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. I’m powerfully psychic and have over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

The Dark Side of Being A Highly-Sensitive Empath

The Dark Side of Being A Highly-Sensitive Empath

For a long time I’ve been talking about cultivating a high-vibration and being aligned with your highest good. What I haven’t talked a lot about is that this can be a whole different experience for someone who is a highly sensitive empath. That it can feel like an uphill battle to stay aligned and “in your lane” when you’re so attuned to how everyone else around you feels at all times.

* * *

Your Superpower

You see, being a highly sensitive empath (HSE) is a true superpower. It gives you extra information that most people don’t have access to.  Like when you know just what people need whether in your work life or at home with your kids. In fact, you’ve always known that you were beyond amazing at really helping other people. You seem to be able to connect to other people on a really deep level. Perhaps they tell you their secrets because “there’s something about you I can trust”.   True empathy is so rare in our society that those of us who are deeply gifted with this superpower are sought out as sources of safety in a chaotic world.   But this is also what can lead to some of the difficulties with this superpower.   But being a highly sensitive empath can have a darkside.

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You Attract “Soul Sucker” People

These are people who sense your giving nurturing energy and will come and take, take, take from you. Because you’re such a loving person by nature you have a tendency to keep giving. You may have never learned to set boundaries with others or learned how to get comfortable saying “no”. Instead, you end up giving and giving because you like to see other people happy.

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Giving Till It Hurts

You keep giving and giving to others without realizing that you’re tapping out your own supply because you’re not turning your inner nurturance toward yourself. You’re not giving as much to yourself as you are to others. So, you end up feeling exhausted, resentful, and wanting to shut out the world a lot. This is because you haven’t learned how to say “no” to others and limit how much you’re willing to give. And above all you haven’t learned how to turn all that loving goodness toward yourself and say “now it’s my time”.

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Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Happiness

You end up taking it on your shoulders to make sure that everyone around you is “okay” and “happy”. Even to the detriment of yourself. You end up putting other people’s happiness before your own because it pains you to feel other people unhappy. You haven’t been able to anchor into the knowing that it’s ultimately not your responsibility to make them happy. And you haven’t yet realized that you can’t really make them happy anyway.  No matter how much you give to others they will always require more unless they learn to give to themselves. It’s like the old saying that “you give a man a fish and he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime”. When you’re constantly taking responsibility for other people’s happiness you end up teaching them to rely on you. You’re creating a codependent relationship where the other person becomes dependent upon you for their happiness and you take it on your shoulders to keep refilling their happiness cup. You may do this out of love, but it ends up damaging others because they never learn how to refill their own cup.

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Discomfort with Making People Uncomfortable

Because you can pick up so readily on how other people feel you end up taking it on your shoulders when you say “no” and it makes other people uncomfortable or unhappy. In fact, you may spend a considerable amount of time trying to avoid making other people uncomfortable. And so you end up saying “yes” to a lot of things you’d rather say “no” to, because you hate making other people uncomfortable. You ultimately end up prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over your own. Never getting to choose what you really want because inevitably it will make someone else uncomfortable when you decide for yourself what you want and go for it.

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Prioritizing Their Opinions

Because of the desire to keep other people happy and to avoid making them uncomfortable (or cause them any pain) you end up making other people’s opinions more important than your own. You end up asking for opinions because you’ve gotten so used to looking outside of yourself for whether you’re doing a “good job” of making other people happy.

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You Lose Connection With Yourself

You become so focused on other people and how they feel you stop connecting with what you feel, what you really desire, what you really enjoy. You end up saying “I don’t even know what I like anymore” because you’ve gotten so used to making sure everyone else is okay, making them happy, prioritizing their opinions, and making sure no one else is uncomfortable. There’s no ROOM for you left when you’re taking all of your energy and pointing it outward at other people’s lives all the time.

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You Attract Narcissists and Other Pathological People

These people are a more malicious version of the “soul sucker” people above. The narcissist knows that you’re a giver, so they purposefully take advantage of your good nature. Perhaps you were born into a family where you had to walk on eggshells or maybe you weren’t and your empathic loving heart is ripe for the picking by someone who unethically looks for those who they can manipulate. But when you’re constantly focused on making other people happy and making sure they’re not uncomfortable you will end up attracting those who will manipulate this beautiful part of you.   Without knowing how to set firm boundaries and deeply connect with who you are and what you desire you’ll end up chasing around after what they want and how they feel. And they’ll realize that they can manipulate you with a frown, a tear, or a raised voice – and they will. This is why so many empaths end up in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and abusive people. They think they can fix them and heal them. It comes from a good place, but it ultimately ends up leading to the empath feeling like they’ve completely lost control over their life.

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You Begin to Fear Other’s Unhappiness and It Impacts Your Self-Esteem

This leads to the need to keep putting other people’s opinions first, to keep seeking validation, to keep their happiness forefront in your life. But it also ends up meaning that your life is operating from a place of fear of “what could happen” instead of a true sense of happiness. You may in fact begin to try to shift situations so that you never have to feel the pain and discomfort of other people’s unhappiness.   You begin to seek approval externally for being “good enough” instead of knowing it and living it from the inside. When you’re a highly sensitive empath and you’ve spent much of your life focused on whether those around you are happy, you begin to only feel as though you’re “good enough” when other people are happy. This is a seriously messed up way to be in relationships. It it so that you are constantly seeking validation from the other person. It makes it so that you can never go out on your own and seek your own happiness for fear of not being good enough if they’re unhappy with you. So, the HSE’s self-esteem goes down, they feel worthless, and the other person is left feeling guilty or ashamed of themselves for feeling sad.   It makes it so that you’re putting pressure on others to be happy in order to please you as well (many times empaths may ask things like “what’s wrong?” continually to a boyfriend or someone they care about. It’s because they’ve become so used to taking care of other people’s emotions that they feel bad about themselves if the other people around them aren’t happy. This puts a lot of pressure on others to “fake happiness” in order to keep the empath satisfied. And this ends up stopping relationships from being really deep and meaningful because people will always feel as though the highly sensitive empath will try to fix them if they share that they’re not feeling happy or “up” at the moment. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad. Emotions are just information. And the HSE knows this in regard to their own emotions. But because they’ve spent so much time focused on managing other’s emotions and keeping them happy they feel that they’ve “failed” if the other person isn’t happy.

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You Lose Track of Your Own Happiness

When a person is legitimately happy and glowing and just beaming from being satisfied in their life they impact the lives around them without trying. Other people are lifted up by just their presence. We’ve all been around someone like that before. Someone who makes you feel loved. Not because they always put you and your needs first, but just in virtue of who they are. When you put your own happiness first and foremost this is what happens. The positive effects on other people actually amplifies and expands. You’re not abandoning people. You’re becoming a model for how life can work when you are self-sufficient with happiness and satisfaction. Not everyone will like it though, let’s be real. Some people will want you to continue to carry the burden of their happiness. But do you really want to live your whole life for others instead of impacting others with your presence and your true joy anchored in the truth of who you really are?

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You Overwhelm Others With Your Emotions

This often happens because you don’t know how to manage your emotions or have completely shut down your emotional landscape. HSE’s are very emotional. They feel things stronger than other people do. This is part of the superpower. It’s like in the recent Superman movie when other people from Krypton came to earth and were totally overwhelmed by their senses. People from Krypton (like superman) had super hearing, super sight, x-ray vision. This becomes a detriment to those who just get the power because, unlike superman, they haven’t spent their whole lives learning to control it. You’re like this. Your emotions are a superpower. But when you haven’t learned to control them they can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Because of this, when you try to let other people in on your emotional world it can be “overwhelming” and “too much” to people who aren’t HSE’s.   But what happens when the HSE’s emotions are invalidated, or told that they don’t matter or are “too much” for too long? The HSE actually shuts off their emotions and becomes numbed and a little dead inside because they don’t want to overwhelm other people.

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Constantly Feeling Like “Too Much”

You may have been told over and over throughout your life that you’re “too much”. That you feel too much. That you connect too deeply. That you’re “too serious”. That you care too much. That you’re too loud (or too quiet). The HSE is consistently told that they’re too much from a young age. And much of this centers around the emotional experience of the HSE. When they feel that they can’t share their emotional world with others they shut it down and keep it a secret. Shifting into either isolating themselves from the world or being totally focused on managing other people’s emotions instead.

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  As you can see, being a highly sensitive empath has a lot of possible downsides. But I want to assure you that it’s one of the most powerfully positive gifts you can have. It just takes time and skill to know how to navigate this ability. I myself am a highly sensitive empath and have been dealing with these issues throughout my life and I’ve helped hundreds of people navigate their own experience and feel stronger, anchored into their own happiness, understand how to let go of the people-pleasing, and finally understand themselves at a very deep level. This brings improved relationships, businesses, friendships, financial situations – you name it and it will improve when you finally get a handle on your superpowers.

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  This week only (January 18th – 25th) I have a very limited number of spots available for a single session with me for a 2018 psychic reading and coaching session at a special discounted price. This session will be focused on getting in depth guidance about what 2018 has in store for you and how you can have your best year ever. These are only offered on 2 days and are at a serious discount from my normal coaching rates. If you’re interested grab your spot now.

Spots are extremely limited.

 

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  Want to chat about getting a handle on your superpowers? Then grab a spot on my calendar for a free complimentary 30-minute insight session. We’ll chat about how being empathic has affected you in your life and how working together will totally shift your world if you and I are a fit. I’m a highly-sensitive empath as well and I know who will benefit from my services. There’s never any pressure. Just connection, heart, and support to make the decision that speaks to your soul.

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