Ask Dr. Ash – Coping with Toxic Family Holidays?

Ask Dr. Ash – Coping with Toxic Family Holidays?

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QUESTION

How do you navigate the holidays with difficult family members?

I’ve recently become aware that my parents are narcissistic (my dad) and codependent (my mom). After trying to set some boundaries, I decided to take a break from them since I couldn’t get anywhere when addressing them. I’m really enjoying this break, but now with the holidays approaching, I’m feeling confused on how to proceed.

I have a 5-year-old who would like to see them, but they refuse to FaceTime during my break (it’s all or nothing). I honestly would like to not address them at all, or spend the holidays with them in any way, or wish them a happy birthday which is also approaching. I know they’ll use this against me later (look, everyone, I told you she was a bad daughter), but at the same time, the thought of contacting them exhausts me.

Any advice? Thanks so much!!

– HoHum Holidays

DR. ASH

Holidays can be a particularly difficult time when it comes to coping with family. Especially if there is a narcissist involved in the equation. But here’s the truth – no one’s opinion of you and your life choices matters except your own.

I know it can seem threatening and confusing when you fear that someone might use your boundaries and distance against you, using it as fuel to a fire that you are not a good daughter. But sit down and ask yourself for a moment – why does it matter? Why does their opinion of you matter?

It matters because the toxicity & trauma from when you were growing up has conditioned you to believe that other people’s opinions of you are not only very important, but a valid reflection of your goodness, your worthiness, and your value in this world.

So sit back for a moment and ask yourself – “What’s the worst that would happen if they say ‘look, everyone, I told you she was a bad daughter’. What would happen? What would the worst case scenario be?”. Perhaps you may have a few family members or people in your parent’s community think ill of you. What else? What other fears are lurking there? Do they offer financial support that they might withdraw? Or emotional support?

Chances are that the biggest thing that would happen is that you’d feel guilty and filled with shame for putting yourself first. For asserting that you deserve to have a happy and satisfied life and doing what you need to do to make that happy.

It’s not what they think of you that’s really bothering you. It’s the internalized fears about what you’ll think of yourself.

You see, no one can really make us feel anything. Think about it. If you were on a crowded subway and bumped into someone and they had the opinion of “look, everyone, I told you she was a bad person!” you’d probably brush it right off and go on with your day because you’ve decided that that person’s opinion isn’t valid. But since you decided, probably when you were young, that your parents’ opinions were valid you feel as though when you go against those opinions you’re doing something wrong.

You’re essentially activating the “bad girl” inside of you that fears being punished. The archetypal inner child that fears that if she breaks the rules she’ll be abandoned and never loved by anyone.

Of course, your adult self knows better than this. And lucky for you she can learn new ways of coping and can decondition all of that old toxicity & trauma that’s kept you locked into the cycle of guilt and shame that has kept you replaying the same patterns over and over.

Plus, as yourself this – if you had to choose either them being disappointed with you and feeling guilty about it OR you getting to be happy, relaxed and relieved which is more important? Which is more valuable?

The answer is pretty obvious to me 😉

“Here’s the truth – no one’s opinion of you and your life choices matters except your own.” – Click to Tweet

This month in The Abundance Revolution, we’ll be talking specifically about surviving the holidays with toxic family.

There’s a lot of other aspects to coping with toxic family during the holidays that I’m super excited to teach. Such as how to shape behavior, how to give yourself an escape hatch, how to deal with grief, anxiety, and depression during the holidays, and how to keep your sanity during a season we’ve all been conditioned to put everyone else first.

Join us in The Abundance Revolution Membership. In this membership, you’ll discover how to cultivate inner strength, self-trust, and resilience so that you can finally feel comfortable putting yourself first without feeling selfish. To decondition those old beliefs, heal the inner child, and finally get what you’ve always wanted. And for a limited time, you can try it for only $22.

Grab your spot today!

Got a Question?

Got a question for Dr. Ash? Send them to support@ashleegreer.com and you may find your question featured in one of the upcoming editions!

 

 

Anxiety. Fear. Playing Small. Stuckness.

You’re living in a prison of your own making.

It’s time to change that forever.

 

Download NOW for FREE!

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Ask Dr Ash – Loving Without A Response?

Ask Dr Ash – Loving Without A Response?

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QUESTION

What if you’re the one reaching out to someone with love and they never reach back?

DR. ASH

Then that’s about them, not about you. And you let them go on their way.

Otherwise, you’ll always be holding back love because you fear it won’t be returned. Which means you’re always standing in fear.

And you’re actually trying to control others with your love (think about it. If you withhold love only until you know it will be met how you want it to be met. You’re in a controlling state where you’re using love to manipulate someone to get what you want).

If we fearlessly contribute love to the world and then LET GO and let the other person do what they will. Not trying to control their responses. Not waiting around for them to do, think, or feel what we want.

Then you are contributing love in your full authenticity and self-respect. Then you are fully empowered and standing in our most divine embodied self. No fear. No shame. No guilt. Just pure radiating loving presence.

“If we fearlessly contribute love to the world and then LET GO and let the other person do what they will, then you are contributing love in your full authenticity and self-respect. You are fully empowered and standing in your most divine embodied self.” – Click to Tweet

Got a Question?

Got a question for Dr. Ash? Send them to support@ashleegreer.com and you may find your question featured in one of the upcoming editions!

 

 

Anxiety. Fear. Playing Small. Stuckness.

You’re living in a prison of your own making.

It’s time to change that forever.

 

Download NOW for FREE!

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Boundaries Aren’t Bitchy

Boundaries Aren’t Bitchy

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Bitch Mode Boundaries

Most people hear “boundaries” and they think they have to erect a brick wall that says “STOP”! That they have to go into bitch mode and slap some sense into some people.

But the most effective boundaries don’t work like that.

Boundaries can be kind, inviting, and actually nurture relationships.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing other people back.

They’re not about adopting a “this way or the highway!”

They’re not about coming at people from a place of anger or feeling disrespected.

(In fact, if you’re at that point, you haven’t set your boundaries soon enough).

Setting Boundaries People Want to Follow

Successful boundaries are about expressing your needs and your standards in a way that other people can hear and understand and want to fulfill.

They’re about helping people understand what would make you happy, and how they can give that to you.

It’s about making it clear that by respecting your boundaries, they win too.

Successful boundaries make it easy and fun for people to want to give you what you want.

“There are ways to set boundaries where it feels good for EVERYONE involved.” – Click to Tweet

Don’t Fear Boundaries

Because no one responds well to being bossed around.

No one likes feeling criticized.

People get defensive when they’re approached from a place of anger.

Everyone rebels against orders.

No one wants to hear that harsh critical voice barking out “do this! Not that!”.

And yet, for most women I work with, that’s what they feel that boundaries are.

 “I don’t want to set boundaries, or I won’t be able to stay committed to being loving and caring!”

“I don’t want to set boundaries or I’ll be an asshole!”

“I don’t want to set boundaries or I’ll be abandoning people!”

No wonder you feel like ambivalent about setting boundaries!

Boundaries Are About Love

Boundaries aren’t about abandoning others.

They’re not about being harsh and uncaring.

And they’re most definitely not going to go over well if you’re an asshole about it (lol).

There are ways to set boundaries where it feels good for EVERYONE involved.

Boundaries allow for more intimacy.

Boundaries allow for more vulnerability.

Boundaries actually allow you to be more loving!

Because setting boundaries can be a win-win for everyone.

And when it’s a win-win it’s much easier for EVERYONE to get what they really want.

Now doesn’t that sound fun?

Want more info on how to set boundaries that people actually want to follow? Grab my free ebook bel In it you’ll find a special bonus workshop on setting boundaries that allow you to be MORE loving in your life!  

 

 

 

 Transform your life from an “I guess” to a “Hell Yes!” with this free ebook

It’s time to release the Toxicity & Trauma that’s been keeping you stuck for good.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

Fear of Success is Really About This Secret You’re Carrying

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The Fear of Being Found Out

Fear of success often looks like fear of being found out.

That’s how it looked for me.

I’ve carried around this burden for years of “how did I turn out so good?” When i came from such a terrible background.

The Baggage of a Toxic Background

I was an only child in a house with one narcissistic and one alcoholic parent.

I was verbally and psychologically abused growing up regularly. Screamed at. Berated. Belittled in front of friends. Forgotten. And taught to “lie” to make things easy.

But none of those things are who I am. Somehow, I’m honest to a fault. I hate lying. I hate selfishness and abusiveness.

And yet there was always a fear beneath it all that “maybe that’s who I really am”.

How could I be made up of this DNA, but still be good?

Am I actually good?

Which is essentially asking “am I good enough?”

Hiding The Shame of Who I Really Am

I was scared of being found out by the world. That somehow my skin would be torn off and I’d be some crazy looking shriveled up alien reptile underneath and everyone would be appalled.

So I kept the world at arm’s length.

Not letting myself get too deep into anything.

  • My relationships
  • My desires
  • Even my business

Deciding it was easier NOT to be vulnerable.

That it was easier to just be protected and keep myself safe.

But I wasn’t really keeping myself safe. Rather, I was hiding the secret shame of who I was afraid to be found out to be.

The shame of who I really am.

Not a bad person. But a person who was born to not great people.

“Honor every single damn piece of you.” – Click to Tweet

I Thought I Was Broken

I don’t have the awesome loving supportive family that I saw others with.

And I thought it made me “less than.”

Somehow wounded and wrong and bad.

Broken.

Instead of understanding that in fact, it made me see.

It made me see my clients so clearly….

To be able to hold their pain. And their hearts.

Blessings in Disguise

My challenging background allowed me to find another level of compassion for people.

Compassion for things that my clients had judged themselves so harshly for.

Compassion for things that my clients had made themselves feel like they were a villain for.

It allowed me to not be afraid of the shadow.

Of the fear.

Of the sadness.

Of the pain of others.

And instead allowed me to hold onto pieces of my clients that had never been held before.

To hold them tight in love and honesty, where in the past they may not have felt worthy of it.

And more than anything, it allowed me to be kind.

To realize that fear, pain, and confusion don’t necessarily make you bad. And don’t taint your soul. They don’t put you into a locked closet of harshness.

They can instead make you kind, and loving.

You see, I know what it’s like to come from a past where you weren’t allowed to set boundaries. Where you didn’t have enoughness reflected back to you. Where you wondered if you were truly loved.

 

Enoughness Is Your Birthright

Luckily. You can learn that the enoughness you didn’t feel growing up has always been within you.

And you can learn to turn that bountiful heart toward yourself.

To turn that kind heart, the one that somehow wasn’t shattered, into a place where the light gets in.

Honor your heart dear ones. Honor your journeys. Honor the pain and the strife.

Honor every single damn piece of you.

Because you are marvelous.

And each piece composes the entirety of who and what you are.

You too can release the shame and guilt from your past.

To stop living from your hurts.

And to stop wasting all your energy on protecting your sore spots.

To learn to trust yourself. To trust your heart. To trust your instincts. To be firm in what you deserve. And to never settle for how things used to be ever again.

Your pain, your difficulties, they have created you into the incredible, kind, and amazing person you are.

Honor it. Hold it. Allow yourself to accept and love it. ALL of it.

All of you.

Your True Self Is Beautiful

If you’d like help learning to honor and hold tight to the beauty of ALL of you. To build real and abiding self-worth, self-confidence, and finally put yourself FIRST so you too can overflow with love. Then it’s time we talk about working one-on-one together.

My work will help you see that you are so much more than you’ve ever thought. And that there’s nothing you have to do to be it except embrace, accept, and love ALL of you.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

How to Help the Broken Child Within

How to Help the Broken Child Within

When I was a child, my mother wouldn’t touch me much at all.

And because of that, I’ve had a belief my whole life that I’m unwanted.

Bullied when I was in grade school.

Marginalized and without many friends because I was pushed ahead due to being bright. It was a hard road to feel young and an outcast at school.

And then come home and with parents fighting so terribly that there was barely an opportunity for me to be seen.

I misbehaved. I got terrible grades.

And then I started succumbing to the “good girl” ideal that if I just was “better” they’d treat me “better”.

I Tried to Be What Everyone Wanted Me To Be

So I was a good student. I towed the line. Didn’t talk back.

And disappeared even more into a persona of what other people wanted me to be.

And I was still invisible. Still unimportant. Still yearning to be wanted by someone. Anyone.

Rebellion followed.

Years of substituting sex for love.

Of being engaged to a “nice man” who was a safe bet but who never really knew the real me.

Because of this core mother wound, I would push good things away from me before they could reject me.

Push, push, push. I’ve walked through life for a very long time as a broken child.

One who carries the secret burden, the secret fear, that she’s unwanted deep within her soul.

This Discovery Shifted Everything

But I discovered something powerful. That when I lose my self-consciousness and live from my heart that the world shifts on its axis.

Instead of being a magnet that repels. I become a magnet that attracts. Just by no longer thinking about what other people think about me. Assuming that they think or feel or believe the best until proven otherwise. By discovering the deep power of shifting out of protection, and into openness.

You see, when we push everything away from us, we cannot be open to receive the wonders that the world has in store. No dreams can come rushing through the door. Because we’ve closed it and padlocked it for fear of someone breaking in.

There’s Another Option

Will we get hurt by being open? Yes, of course.

But that’s what good boundaries are for.

That’s what trust in the self is about.

That’s what epic love and nurturing of the self helps you with.

Knowing exactly what’s acceptable to you, understanding you’re worth it, and trusting yourself to leave if those standards aren’t met.

Just because important others in your life haven’t accepted you and loved you, doesn’t mean the rest of the world will receive you that way. Just because it hasn’t been safe to be yourself with your family or your old friends, doesn’t mean that that’s “true” and that you can’t be yourself.

“You cannot be hurt by love. You can only be hurt by refusing love, pushing love away, or losing the love that would have been yours if you’d just shown up as all of you.” – Click to Tweet

It Is Safe To Be You

It’s time to turn the whole world on its axis. And stop assuming the world “isn’t safe”. And start seeing that you’re always safe. Because you’re always in the loving embrace of your own self-acceptance and love. And when you know that down to the bones. Then self-expression becomes your nature. And you no longer push away that which might hurt you. Because you cannot be hurt by love. You can only be hurt by refusing love, pushing love away, or losing the love that would have been yours if you’d just shown up as all of you.

Love Can Mean Many Things

And when I refer to love – that’s what running a business is – love of what you have to bring to the world. Of others. Of service. Of your soul’s message.

That’s what being fully present with your children is – a graceful expression of love of self, showing them how it’s done.

That’s what loving your partner in the most profound way is – loving yourself enough to fully let go of controlling them, and just love them.

That’s what having all your dreams come true is. Loving yourself enough to decide on what you want. Deciding you’re worthy of it. And claiming it.

 

Trust Me

Being yourself can be so so scary. Because it could mean you’re rejected for the thing that is closest and dearest to you.

But you must trust that you’ll be okay.

That you’re sensitive, and strong, and bright.

And to cheat the world out of your light for fear of it being dimmed is no way to live.

And it just dims the light you’re keeping fear anyway.

Share that big beautiful light of yours.

Open up. Live from your heart.

It’s the most precious and valuable risk you’ll ever take.

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. I’m powerfully psychic and have over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Stop Protecting Those Who Failed to Protect You

Stop Protecting Those Who Failed to Protect You

For many years I have held myself back from naming many of the things that have happened to me.

In a conditioned belief that it was my job to protect those who didn’t protect me.

But I see now that I have cheated not only myself but my clients and those I impact, out of fear of speaking the truth.

Believing You Must Keep Silent

When you come from a background where you were abused, bullied, or made to feel like a terrible person you often carry a secret responsibility to “quietly hold the family secrets”.

So you silence yourself for fear of shaming or guilting others.

Not realizing that you’re actually silencing and shaming yourself.

There’s No Need to Hide

Be honest with yourself. Share your vulnerable heart. Stand up and own what happened in the past.

It does not define you.

It defines them.

There’s no need to hide it anymore.

It’s not your duty to protect them.

It’s time for YOU first now.

Because self-first is not self-ish

“Because self-first is not selfish.” – Click to Tweet

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. I’m powerfully psychic and have over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.