Ask Dr. Ash – Loving The Takers in Life?

Ask Dr. Ash – Loving The Takers in Life?

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QUESTION

How do we show up from a loving place when other people have negative energy? When they’re takers and I don’t really want to be around them? I tend to swing between being distant and cold to being close and letting them walk all over me.

DR. ASH

So here’s the thing. As we approach our divine selves more and more we get more and more filled with unconditional love. Unconditional means people don’t have to earn it, people don’t have to be good people. We love them in virtue of just existing. For everyone. This can be difficult when we’re still clogged up with the feeling that we withdraw love when people hurt us or are assy. And our culture teaches us to do this. Withdraw love when others hurt us. But what if instead, we considered that our true nature is love. We are made of love. We can pour love on everyone at all times WHILE NOT PUTTING UP WITH ANY SHIT.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life, doesn’t mean you approve of them and their actions, doesn’t mean you have to be around them, and most certainly doesn’t mean you have to help them.

Asking yourself “what would love do” and then creating distance if you need it… even though you love the person. Love would not be short and snippy with people. But it would say “I can’t have an active relationship with you if you’re going to be like this.”

Boundaries are ultimately loving things that help you to create MORE intimacy and love in the right relationships.

“Boundaries are ultimately loving things that help you to create MORE intimacy and love in the right relationships.” – Click to Tweet

 Transform your life from an “I guess” to a “Hell Yes!” with this free ebook

It’s time to release the Toxicity & Trauma that’s been keeping you stuck for good.

 

Hi! I’m Dr. Ash

I help women who come from challenging backgrounds that have conditioned them to put others first to live a “hell yes” life where they leave the shoulds behind. My clients learn to live a passion-filled, turned-on, lit-up life where everything is possible and to connect with their own intuitive genius.

To stop prioritizing other people’s opinions, to give themselves permission to go after their own desires, to be deeply self-expressed, self-confident, vibrant, and to release the limiting beliefs that have made them feel selfish or self-centered for putting themselves first in the past.

I have my Ph.D. in psychology, was the director of two multi-million dollar international coach training schools. She’s powerfully psychic and has over a decade of experience helping hundreds of people transform to feeling passionate, vibrant, fulfilled, and joyful.

Cheap, Easy Personal Growth In Just 5 Minutes Per Day

Cheap, Easy Personal Growth In Just 5 Minutes Per Day

It’s journaling. Journaling every day.

It’s way easier than you think.

Journaling will help increase:

 

*    Creative thinking

*    Ability to problem solve

*    Emotional stability

*    Increase Goal Focused Behavior

*    Accountability and Inner integrity

*    Understanding of your patterns

*    Confidence in your OWN wisdom

*    Your Gratitude

*    Daily Presence (fewer days slipping away from you)

*    Writing Abilities

*    Generation of New Ideas

*    Accountability

*    Resiliency

*    Connection

*    Clarity

*    Detachment

*    Forgiveness

*    Letting go

*    Manifestations

*    Surrender

*    Confidence

*    Empowerment

 

How can something as simple as putting your pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in the case of many of us) create such epic change? Because you’re getting all of that noise out of your head that’s been spinning around in there for far too long. It purges out the old and makes way for the new.

It creates a blank canvas that stimulates ideas.

It allows for mistakes, experimentation, and play in ways you wouldn’t normally do in public or working with others. 

It allows you a place to bounce all your ideas around, to process all of your emotions, to capture your highest highs and embrace your lowest lows.

A journal is like a really amazing girlfriend who listens to you without judgment.

 

Don’t know where to start or have found journaling to be a pain in the rumpkus in the past?

 

Start by just writing down what happens each day. Like you would catch up a girlfriend on what’s going on in your life when you first see each other. Eventually, if you carve out even 5 minutes per day to journal, you’ll begin to delve into essential emotional depths that will help you work through long lost blockages and emotional difficulties. You’ll explore new ideas and new horizons. And you’ll be brainstorming up a storm.

 

5 months ago I made a commitment to write every single day. I still miss a day here and there. But generally I write copious amounts every day and it’s made my creativity pour from me like it never has before. I’m never at a loss for what to think about, what idea to develop, or how I may be lacking clarity. I’m always deeply in touch with my emotional reality so that it’s not sitting like a sneaky sabateur in my subconscious. I receive divine guidance. I catch myself when I’m falling into old outdated thinking patterns like self-blame or complaining. I see how through time my ideas change.

 

Every day I start a new document on my computer with “Daily Writing” plus the date. I will add a notation in the saved name on my computer if something significant came up that day that I need to refer to later like “Daily Writing: 10/27/2017: Marketing Plan”. Research does show that typing activates different parts of the brain that does hand writing. However, I would never be as prodigious in my writing if I hand write. 

 

I’ve broken my arms 6 different times (long story short, I was a clutsy tomboy growing up). But the side effect of that is that hand-writing hurts my hand and my wrist after a while. Plus, it’s slow as molassas. I’m a very quick thinker and when I can’t write down my ideas as fast as they’re coming to me it gets frustrating.

 

That’s how I felt when I was attempting to force myself to hand write in order to journal. Now that I type I do all sorts of stuff in that document each day. I brainstorm, make lists, channel the divine, work through emotional stuff, report on what happened that day, celebrate, set intentions… all kinds of stuff.

 

I’ll often write 15 + single spaced pages per day using this technique and by NOT differentating what I’m writing into different documents. I even write blog posts in my journal about half the time. Then it’s quick and easy to copy and paste my ideas into a blog post, a Facebook post, a document related to a project, or to my master to-do list.

It’s made my life so much easier.  It’s been the most important thing I’ve done in a long time. Just sitting down and letting it all pour out of me onto the page.

If there’s one thing I can recommend you do, it’s this. Journal every single day and get to know the inner guru inside of you that has the answers you’ve been seeking.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++

 

It’s time to finally tune in and listen to that inner guru inside of you. The one that knows the quickest and easiest path o your highest self. No more looking to others for the answers. But knowing that they’re all inside of you. My 1:1 coaching will help you listen to your inner knowing, embrace your untamed and freest self, and acknowledge your greateness. 

SNAG A SPOT ON MY CALENDAR TO SEE IF THIS IS FOR YOU

The myth of control. How to feel your way out of the chaos.

The myth of control. How to feel your way out of the chaos.

Control.

 

It’s a really touchy subject – especially for women.

 

So many clients get on the phone with me the first time and say “I just want to have a greater sense of control in my life”. 

 

Whoa nelly. Unfortunately, that’s not really possible. In fact, control is a myth.

 

It’s a common desire – for more control. To be able to control other people. To control our circumstances. To control the way our life rolls out. To control every ebb and flow, twist and turn.

 

I’ve been there myself. I fall into that trap. But each and every time I have to remind myself….

 

It’s just not possible to have total control. 

 

Now, before you go outside and gather stones to throw at me – let’s talk this out.

 

When we desire more control in our life it’s because things are feeling chaotic. Things feel out of hand. We don’t know where things are going or how we’re going to get there. We think that the only way things will work out for us is to clamp down and try to control the person or event.

 

But you can’t control other people. And you can’t control everything that happens to you. 

When we desire more control in our lives we’re essentially subscribing to the belief that we should be able to control others, control their actions, control the way they treat us, control their feelings, control the seasons, control the weather, control our boss, control gas prices. You name it, we think we should be able to control it.

 

But by thinking that we can control these things we back ourselves into a corner of fear and frustration. We get angry that things aren’t aligning the way that we think that they “should”. We get irritated that other people aren’t doing what we think that they “should”. We get afraid because “things just shouldn’t be this way”.

 

That’s a whole lot of useless “shoulding” going on.

 

Whenever you ask yourself “why me!?” – you’re on the wrong track. Because anything can happen to any one of us at any time.

 

“Why me!?” is always the wrong question. The right question? “What can I do now.”

 

Acceptance

The first and foremost thing you can do is accept your situation. I often talk about the difference between suffering and pain. Pain is when we acknowledge that something sucks. “Oh shit, my house burned down” and then you get on doing what needs to get done to get your life back together.

 

Suffering, on the other hand, is all about driving that wedge of “why me!?” deeper into our thinking. It’s victim thinking. It’s the kind of thinking that makes you think you SHOULD have been able to control the circumstances, the other person, etc. And whenever you slide into that way of thinking you’re trapping yourself in a dark pit of ugly crappola. And I don’t want you having to deal with that shit.

 

Whatever the shit is that you’re dealing with is hard enough WITHOUT the energy of regret, worry, guilt, shame, and suffering.

 

Because although we can’t control the situation or the other person. We CAN control ourselves and our reactions to it.

 

So you can choose to suffer and strangle your life with “why me’s!!” or you can choose to accept what’s going on and focus on what you can do or what’s working in your life.

 

This is connected with the Buddhist concept of non-attachment. When we accept that “It is what it is until it’s something different”. We recognize that we don’t have a stranglehold of attachment to a certain outcome. We drop the expectations of things being a certain way. And instead will cope with any twists and turns as they come. And we become much happier and satisfied because of it.

 

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”

– Michael J. Fox

 

I used to hate Roller Coasters

When was the last time you were on a rollercoaster? I remember hating them when I was a kid. They terrified me.

 

Why?

 

Because I couldn’t control them. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what the next turn would do or which way it would flip or flop.

 

But I grew up to love rollercoasters.

 

How?

 

I let go of trying to control and anticipate what was going to come next and I just enjoyed the ride. I enjoyed the serendipity and surprise of not knowing what was around the next corner. I relaxed into the experience rather than gripping hold and clenching on for dear life. It was the clamping down that made the roller coaster so terrifying. When I let go and just took the experience as it came – it became fun and exhilarating!

 

And that’s what letting go of control is all about  – it’s about enjoying the ride rather than trying to grip tight and clamp down.

 

Flow

Ultimately, the process I’m talking about, and the topic of this week’s podcast, is about FLOW. When we’re in flow we’re not trying to control other people or our circumstances. We’re just taking the actions that feel right. We’re moving with the rhythm of our lives rather than trying to make them something specific.

 

It’s like the difference of fighting the waves and learning to surf. When you fight the waves thinking that your desire for control will tame them and that you can fight them – you’ll surely drown. But when you accept that you can’t fully anticipate the surf, but you can learn to flow with it and surf atop the waves, then you get to enjoy the unpredictability of your situation.

 

“‘Never Have Your Dog Stuffed’ is really advice to myself, a reminder to myself not to avoid change or uncertainty, but to go with it, to surf into change.”

– Alan Alda

 

It’s all about perspective – are you ready to shift yours? 

 

When I find myself struggling with a desire for more control in my life I turn inward and really slow down.

 

I connect with how I’m feeling. And I allow those feelings of fear to rise to the surface. And then I focus on accepting my situation. And I let go of the expectations that I had. And then I just focus on doing what I CAN do to make the situation as easy as possible. Perhaps that’s keeping myself busy. Or maybe it’s being grateful for what’s going right. Maybe it’s letting out a scream of a sob. Maybe it’s digging deep and sifting through the old shit that keeps bringing control to the surface. Or learning new habits so that I stop “shoulding” myself to death.

 

At the end of the day it’s about shifting your circumstances toward trust.

Trust that you can handle whatever happens to you. Trust that you are SO fucking capable and able to deal with even the most out of control situations. Because the desire for control is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in ourselves, in the universe, and in our own ability to handle shit and overcome even when things are super shitty piles o’ poop.

 

Because, sometimes things are super shitty piles o’poop.

 

But they won’t always be that way. I promise you that. As long as you can return to that base knowledge that you can trust yourself. And that everything has divine timing. And that you’re in exactly the right place at the right time – then you’ll be able to TRUST that everything will be okay. Even when you can’t control it.

 

If you’re ready to shift your perspective I encourage you to check out the Emergent Life Academy!!

 

A program all about learning to accept yourself and trust that you can handle whatever life throws you. To teach you the skills to get over all of the limiting beliefs that have gotten in your way. And to emerge into the extraordinary woman you are your core 🙂 

 

Stop the judging and shoulds that get in the way of your soul’s purpose!

Stop the judging and shoulds that get in the way of your soul’s purpose!

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I work with women on discovering their passionate purpose in life. I help them find what makes them jump out of bed in the morning and yell “hell yes!!” to their life. So why do so many women stop themselves from pursuing their purpose when they know it would make them happy? It all boils down to judgment and the “shoulds” that they place in their way.

 

Just yesterday I was speaking to a client who was talking very passionately about what she wanted to do with her life. When all of a sudden she started critiquing herself. She started telling me the reasons that the wasn’t good enough, that there were other people who had more experience and who would be able to do it better than her. How she has trouble letting go of being perfect when she pursues her passions because she figures that if it’s not perfect it’s just not good enough.

 

I had to stop her right there. I stopped her and asked her why she would judge herself so harshly. Why she would crush her own dreams so mercilessly under the weight of all of that judgment.

 

With this particular client it turned out that she had had a very strong drive to fit in when she was younger and so she did everything she could to keep with the status quo.

 

So why do you judge ourselves so harshly? Why do you succumb to the “shoulds”? And what can you do about it?

 

You have a strong desire to be approved of.

You want to fit in. You want to feel acceptable and lovable. But people will love you for you. People will love you in all of your unique glory. You’ll draw the right people to you by being your unique and fabulous self! Plus, being approved of is totally over-rated. Other people’s approval ends up being like a cage. Because as long as we’re evaluating our lives on what other people think of us we’re stuck at the end of a yo-yo where we’ll constantly change ourselves to make others happy. It’s time to get off the yo-yo and get grounded in your fabulousness!!

 

You were taught that there is only one right way of doing things.

And by going against the flow you think that there’s something wrong with you. So you reign yourself in and tell yourself to stop dreaming so big because it’s not the “right way” to go about things. But let me tell you – there IS no one right way to do things. Let go of this perfectionistic idea and recognize that ANY effort is an awesome effort.

 

You think that being self-critical and self-judgmental will make you grow.

But a child doesn’t learn to walk by having someone stand over them telling them “that’s not the way to do it! You’ll never learn to walk if you keep falling down!”. No way! They learn to walk by making mistakes and having experiences that show them how they can improve. Acknowledge that falling down is part of learning and the only REAL way to succeed in life. The only difference between those who fail and those who succeed is that those who succeed get back up after they fall down!

 

You’re afraid.

You limit yourself because you’re afraid of what change will mean, what change will bring to your life, and how everything will change if you start to change one thing. But don’t be afraid. Change is the only real constant we can rely on in life. Nothing stays the same. Everything is always changing! In fact, every cell in your body renews itself every so often. So in a way, you’re not the person that you were 2 years ago. So stop trying to force yourself to stay the same and recognize that change is a natural part of life!

 

You’re more focused on making other people happy.

You have spent your entire life trying to keep everyone around you happy. And so you’ve judged yourself whenever you’ve focused on your own dreams and desires. You’ve stopped listening to the song of your soul because it’s been drown out by everyone else’s needs, wants, and desires. If this is the case, then it’s time to tune in and recognize that YOU deserve to have your own dreams and desires. And that when YOU’RE fulfilled the people around you are so much more fulfilled as well (and if they’re not, then they’ve just gotten too used to you being a doormat!!).

 

You’re afraid of making other people uncomfortable.

You think that if you follow your own purpose or your own dreams and desires that you’ll make everyone around you feel uneasy. But you don’t have to diminish yourself, your dreams, or your desires to make other people more comfortable!! The right people will be drawn to your passionate example in the world and you’ll inspire others!!

 

If you’re ready to stop making excuses to discover your own passionate purpose and to stop making excuses for why you can’t do it then be sure to check out my Passionate Purpose Coaching Program!

Or apply for one of my free insight sessions to talk about how I can help you discover and reach for YOUR passionate purpose!! An hour of free coaching. No obligation! Check it out!

What do you LOVE to do?

What do you LOVE to do?

One of the most frequent questions I get from clients is about their passionate purpose. They want to know how to find their passionate purpose. How to know if they’ve found their passionate purpose.

 

And I give one answer over and over.

 

What is it that you really LOVE to do?

 

What makes you feel most alive? 

 

What makes you forget your problems, forget to eat, forget the clicking of the clock on the wall?

 

I believe that our purpose in this life isn’t to earn money or accumulate things. Our purpose is to cultivate meaningful experiences. To find ways to connect on ever deeper levels with people. To figure out how to express ourselves authentically and holistically.  To fill our days with joy, laughter, and happiness.

 

When we find something that makes us happy. That lights us up. That doesn’t feel like work – suddenly it’s easier to wake up in the morning. It’s easy to conquer our to-do list. And it’s easier to get back up again and again each time we fall.

 

So what’s YOUR passionate purpose? Well, start to pay attention to what really makes you feel good.

 

Start by watching this inspiring video by Alan Watts below. It will help you start to craft your own passionate purpose in life and really discover who YOU are.

 

 

Check out Discover Your Passionate Purpose, my new coaching program to help you break free of what’s holding you back from living a life true to your dreams and desires!